Tuesday

Day 38, 20th December - Couldn't help it

So I was browsing the internet, and as I saw an image containing this text, I couldn't help it to let go a tear from my eyes:

                                                        

Why do we rush? Why can't we enjoy what we have? Why can't we live the present? It's funny I came across this image... I don't feel ok at my current town. I don't feel happy here, and I want to move, since I got that opportunity to go away. And since I declined it, I started to feel like I took one of my worst decisions ever (except maybe that time I thought I was good to drive and had a car crash on the way home). And since then, I've been surviving on my daily life, without enjoying it properly. I surrounded myself with people that make my everyday a lot better (instead of just bearable) and help me to endure in this quest to end this fucking law degree and finally go away. And I can't wait for that moment. Just to go away... But Today I saw this image... And made me realize that maybe I'm better like this. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and think I shouldn't have rushed things. Maybe I should have lived the present when I was 'here and now'. I live in my own flat, with the expenses covered by my parents, I have a maid once a week, I have money from my parents (although I choose to work to help them out with my expenses), if I feel like I don't want to go to classes, I can always bail out, I have great friends to spend my time with, I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that supports me... I have a great life. So why rush it? Why can't I wait for the future to come? 
I hope I'll eventually learn to live the present... To live my present. To live this present!
  
     

Day 37, 6th September - Above the water

There are times we live like kings: we want it, we get it. The responsibilities are nearly none, we are just there to party and live for ourselves, not living without consideration for the others, but putting our lusts in priority. We all had those times, we "need" those times. But then, we get 'the other side of the coin', when we struggle to get our shit done, when we have only responsibilities, when we pity for someone to listen to us, to be there for us, to guide us, when we have to use all of our strengths just not to drown.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.

Day 36, 30th May - Connection

We try to maintain a certain relation with people. We put some effort on it, so we feel proud of that relation and so we can count with that person when the time comes. Some relations require more attention than others. It's amazing how some people can maintain connected even without being conscious of what is needed for that relation. Well, in those cases, it's pure love, that's what is needed, nothing else... I came across a sister's friendship like that. I only know one of them, but the way she talks about her sister, the sparkles in her eyes when she says how much she loves her... I can't compare it to nothing that I've seen until now. Even I get those watery eyes when I hear her talking about their connection. Her sister doesn't have 100% perception of the reality that surrounds us, my friend says "she's pure with innocent eyes", which makes their friendship so amazing. Her sister can be angry or upset about something, but that changes the minute she sees her. They are truly connected, without an effort. It's true we have good friends that can understand us without being needed to say much, but that's not the same.
I call myself lucky regarding my friendships and connections. Not lucky because no matter what I do they're always there for me, no. Lucky because I had the opportunity to make a connection with them. After that, my friendship relations require a lot of effort, but that's why I give them so much value.
Through time, I've been blessed and cursed with some connections I made. Cursed in a good and a bad way. In a bad way because I took things by granted, and mistook acquainted people by friends, and trusted too much on who I shouldn't have trusted, or even made too much pressure on some connections trying to force them to be good friendships (by mistake, not forcing it in a creepy stalker way haha)... When I mean 'cursed in a good way' is dooming a connections in order to get another one, with the same person. Like some sort of upgrade. But I considered it cursed because, just like an upgrade of something, you loose some functions from the old version. Functions you were used to and knew you could rely on. You get virgin ground, without knowing where is it safe to step. If you are able to dance all over the floor, or if you will fall into an abyss as soon as you step forward. If is there any safe path you can take, or if you must be dodging holes the hole walk. If you can keep doing what you used to do before, or if the new connections obliges you to move on and adapt, to forget what 'used to be' and embrace the new way of looking to that person.
All in all, connections are always good. Even if they won't last, you can always learn something from them. And maybe the best connections are the ones that don't last, but you keep them in your mind for the rest of your days.