Day 43, 22nd January - Quintessence of Life

As we are all aware, life isn't always great. We see it in movies, we read it in books or we know it for the (unfortunate) fate of our own life experience. I'm only 22 years old, so I have not much to say regarding life, specially about the negative part of it, as I always had a nice family, a place which I could call home (although it's not always easy to know where it is), friends with whom I could (always) count on and money for day life expenses. But, with 22 years old I can already say I lived a little bit: I've been in University (actually I am still in the process of finishing it); I loved and was loved; I had a lot of different jobs (some I wouldn't mind to go back to, others I would rather not); I had my heart crushed (too many times) and crushed hearts aswell (too many, again.)... With my life still on DEMO mode, I must say I am eager to continue. There's still a few things I most desire to do, such as saving someone's life, help delivering a baby (even if it's just driving the car to the hospital, or holding the soon-to-be mother's hand), having a dinner or some sort of commemoration on my behalf (not a birthday party, that's not enough) and have someone saying: "That guy? Yes I know him. He's a hell of a nice guy." ...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...


Day 42, 3rd December - Flashback

I found out that we don't need to have a near death experience to have a flashback from our life. I had a nasty car accident last year, but I was unconscious when it happen so I didn't have that moment when you see your whole life backwards. A few months ago I discovered I had a tumor in my throat and until I found out it wasn't cancer, I didn't have any flashback whatsoever. Instead, I was always imagining hypothetical futures where I would have to tell people about my condition and so on... The first and only time so far I had a flashback was when I found out I had been living a lie for the last year and a half. I thought I was dating an amazing girl, with so much in common and so much to give. My choices were always thinking about a future together... I was living in a city I didn't like, taking a degree I didn't want to anymore, because she was giving me strength and making me believe this was the best for us both. And after all, after all this time we were together, after everything she said to me, including she wanted to build a family together, she was with someone else. I'm not going to write the whole story here, it's too personal, but, the point is, when I realized that happened, I had a flashback. I saw every moment of my life together with her, every choice I had made to keep us together, just running in front of my eyes. Every movie we saw and discussed together, every meal I cooked for her, every walk under the stars, every trip we did, every bottle of wine we drunk, every time we made love... My pain in my chest was so strong, so breathtaking, so overwhelming... I cried. I cried over the next days I found out. No one could comfort me. I felt disgusted, filthy, I could't look myself in the mirror. I was like that for a few days... It was hard. But then I realized I had hit rock bottom, so from now on I could only get better. I re-organized my life and this time only thinking about myself, for the first time in a while. And it feels good. I am moving on.


Day 41, 12th May - Lower your expectations

Everyone must have felt like this before: surrounded by people, and yet to feel alone. To need that special text, hug, set of words that won't come... You try not to look where you may find them but not exactly what you want/need. And why should you have the need to find them? Why can't they come to you? When you do what you think is right for the others, you normally do it because you feel it's what you should do, and not because you're expecting something in return. But damn, when you're there for everything and everyone, it would to be expected something... I know others have their own responsibilities and their own life, but sometimes 5 minutes make the difference. A phone call, a visit, a simple smile... To prevent feeling bad for others 'failing' on you, you just need to do one thing: lower your expectations.
It's true, I do expect someone to be there for me when I've been there for that person. Maybe one of my problems is not asking for them to be. But sometimes there's no need for that. Sometimes the other person should know you better. Another of my problems is that I expect the other person's behavior to be like mine if I was in that situation, if I knew someone needed me. And that has been just killing me. And the solution is to lower my expectations. But that will bring a lot of consequences. People that know me already (but not enough to know when I need them, apparently) will be expecting me to be there when they need support. They'll expect a pattern of behaviors that I won't have if I lower my expectations. Because, if I lower them, I'll care less about other people, and consequently I'll stop being there for them 100%. And I fear that by doing so, people will care even less about me and I'll end alone, like a vicious cycle. The best solution would be for everyone act like they want the others to act. Not asking for too much if what they give is too little. I can't be that altruistic to keep my pace as I am doing now. It's kind of tearing me apart.
I really want to step back from my reality now. I feel the urge to go away for a bit. Meet new people or surround myself with the ones that care as much as I need now (yes, I'm needy).