Day 40, 24th April - Unfulfilled

Here I am, in the company of a bottle of wine, a tablet of chocolate and a pack of cigarettes with the music on. Normally that's what I need in these moments... I am not gonna lie to you, I'd rather be in a good company, but then again, sometimes we need this company. We need some introspective time to think, measure our past options and deeds so we can evaluate which ones should we take in the near future. And that's precisely what I am not doing right now. And why is that? Because when we take a bottle of wine to ourselves it's probably better not to decide anything for our future. So what should I do? Mourn the past? Naah, that's too cliché... Text my ex? Well, I'm drinking wine, not vodka... Maybe I should just enjoy the wine, listening to the music (Eddie Vedder at the moment)... That should be the best idea, but I felt like i could write something down. I didn't think it too much or it wouldn't be as I wnted to: truthfully. I do have some drafts that I wrote and then decided not to publsh them, but that's maybe because they were too much to be revealed, never because they weren't truth.
What should we do when we feel unfulfilled? If we know what's missing, we should probably go for it. But what if it's the 'forbidden fruit' you are after? What if you know the timing isn't right but you feel like you need that anyway? Major problem: what if what you need doesn't depend only on you? Do you trust enough on someone to rely on them and just wait? Or you bang your head into the wall so many times you end up changing whatever you need/desire? (Is that even possible?) Today, two years ago, and for one more year (hopefully) I am that other someone. I have people relying on me so they can achieve their state of fulfillness. That's what moves me. That's what's been keeping me focused, and still, not making me fulfilled, thus, is making me loose focus... That's a fucked up situation. 

Day 39, 6th March - I'm a phoenix...

The doubt... It gets us crazy. "Should I, should I not... Do I, do I not..." When we try to focus on the situation so we can clear our mind of that doubt is when we get the most confused. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. That's what doubts are supposed to do: get us confused. And how should we deal with it? Recently I found someone that has a very simple philosophy of life: "Why should I care if it will end up to go the way it wants? Life, eventually, solves itself." Ironically, it was that person that grew a doubt in me.
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.

Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning:


Day 38, 20th December - Couldn't help it

So I was browsing the internet, and as I saw an image containing this text, I couldn't help it to let go a tear from my eyes:


Why do we rush? Why can't we enjoy what we have? Why can't we live the present? It's funny I came across this image... I don't feel ok at my current town. I don't feel happy here, and I want to move, since I got that opportunity to go away. And since I declined it, I started to feel like I took one of my worst decisions ever (except maybe that time I thought I was good to drive and had a car crash on the way home). And since then, I've been surviving on my daily life, without enjoying it properly. I surrounded myself with people that make my everyday a lot better (instead of just bearable) and help me to endure in this quest to end this fucking law degree and finally go away. And I can't wait for that moment. Just to go away... But Today I saw this image... And made me realize that maybe I'm better like this. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and think I shouldn't have rushed things. Maybe I should have lived the present when I was 'here and now'. I live in my own flat, with the expenses covered by my parents, I have a maid once a week, I have money from my parents (although I choose to work to help them out with my expenses), if I feel like I don't want to go to classes, I can always bail out, I have great friends to spend my time with, I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that supports me... I have a great life. So why rush it? Why can't I wait for the future to come? 
I hope I'll eventually learn to live the present... To live my present. To live this present!