Monday

Day 39, 6th March - I'm a phoenix...

The doubt... It gets us crazy. "Should I, should I not... Do I, do I not..." When we try to focus on the situation so we can clear our mind of that doubt is when we get the most confused. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. That's what doubts are supposed to do: get us confused. And how should we deal with it? Recently I found someone that has a very simple philosophy of life: "Why should I care if it will end up to go the way it wants? Life, eventually, solves itself." Ironically, it was that person that grew a doubt in me.
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.

Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning:   https://youtu.be/8mVbdjec0pA

Tuesday

Day 38, 20th December - Couldn't help it

So I was browsing the internet, and as I saw an image containing this text, I couldn't help it to let go a tear from my eyes:

                                                        

Why do we rush? Why can't we enjoy what we have? Why can't we live the present? It's funny I came across this image... I don't feel ok at my current town. I don't feel happy here, and I want to move, since I got that opportunity to go away. And since I declined it, I started to feel like I took one of my worst decisions ever (except maybe that time I thought I was good to drive and had a car crash on the way home). And since then, I've been surviving on my daily life, without enjoying it properly. I surrounded myself with people that make my everyday a lot better (instead of just bearable) and help me to endure in this quest to end this fucking law degree and finally go away. And I can't wait for that moment. Just to go away... But Today I saw this image... And made me realize that maybe I'm better like this. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and think I shouldn't have rushed things. Maybe I should have lived the present when I was 'here and now'. I live in my own flat, with the expenses covered by my parents, I have a maid once a week, I have money from my parents (although I choose to work to help them out with my expenses), if I feel like I don't want to go to classes, I can always bail out, I have great friends to spend my time with, I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that supports me... I have a great life. So why rush it? Why can't I wait for the future to come? 
I hope I'll eventually learn to live the present... To live my present. To live this present!
  
     

Day 37, 6th September - Above the water

There are times we live like kings: we want it, we get it. The responsibilities are nearly none, we are just there to party and live for ourselves, not living without consideration for the others, but putting our lusts in priority. We all had those times, we "need" those times. But then, we get 'the other side of the coin', when we struggle to get our shit done, when we have only responsibilities, when we pity for someone to listen to us, to be there for us, to guide us, when we have to use all of our strengths just not to drown.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.