Monday

Day 43, 22nd January - Quintessence of Life

As we are all aware, life isn't always great. We see it in movies, we read it in books or we know it for the (unfortunate) fate of our own life experience. I'm only 22 years old, so I have not much to say regarding life, specially about the negative part of it, as I always had a nice family, a place which I could call home (although it's not always easy to know where it is), friends with whom I could (always) count on and money for day life expenses. But, with 22 years old I can already say I lived a little bit: I've been in University (actually I am still in the process of finishing it); I loved and was loved; I had a lot of different jobs (some I wouldn't mind to go back to, others I would rather not); I had my heart crushed (too many times) and crushed hearts aswell (too many, again.)... With my life still on DEMO mode, I must say I am eager to continue. There's still a few things I most desire to do, such as saving someone's life, help delivering a baby (even if it's just driving the car to the hospital, or holding the soon-to-be mother's hand), having a dinner or some sort of commemoration on my behalf (not a birthday party, that's not enough) and have someone saying: "That guy? Yes I know him. He's a hell of a nice guy." ...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...