Day 40, 24th April - Unfulfilled

Here I am, in the company of a bottle of wine, a tablet of chocolate and a pack of cigarettes with the music on. Normally that's what I need in these moments... I am not gonna lie to you, I'd rather be in a good company, but then again, sometimes we need this company. We need some introspective time to think, measure our past options and deeds so we can evaluate which ones should we take in the near future. And that's precisely what I am not doing right now. And why is that? Because when we take a bottle of wine to ourselves it's probably better not to decide anything for our future. So what should I do? Mourn the past? Naah, that's too cliché... Text my ex? Well, I'm drinking wine, not vodka... Maybe I should just enjoy the wine, listening to the music (Eddie Vedder at the moment)... That should be the best idea, but I felt like i could write something down. I didn't think it too much or it wouldn't be as I wnted to: truthfully. I do have some drafts that I wrote and then decided not to publsh them, but that's maybe because they were too much to be revealed, never because they weren't truth.

What should we do when we feel unfulfilled? If we know what's missing, we should probably go for it. But what if it's the 'forbidden fruit' you are after? What if you know the timing isn't right but you feel like you need that anyway? Major problem: what if what you need doesn't depend only on you? Do you trust enough on someone to rely on them and just wait? Or you bang your head into the wall so many times you end up changing whatever you need/desire? (Is that even possible?) Today, two years ago, and for one more year (hopefully) I am that other someone. I have people relying on me so they can achieve their state of fulfillness. That's what moves me. That's what's been keeping me focused, and still, not making me fulfilled, thus, is making me loose focus... That's a fucked up situation.