We never think that something unexpected to us would happen. I mean, why would I get out of the house in the morning thinking that I might get hit by a car, or a vase that falls down from the 6th floor directly on my head, or even a robbery that goes wrong and I don't manage to get back home? That would be sad as fuck if we had these kind of thought right in the morning... But today is different since we have this pandemic situation with the virus. Therefore, here's a couple of thoughts, in case I don't get back home.
I am still quite young, almost a quarter of a century old, but, as I said before, I already have a few life episodes that allow me to say I've lived a little. I'm pretty sure that if everything goes as it should be, I still have plenty more to live, but what I want to say is that, if something were to happen, if I didn't manage to get back home, I would leave this place with a sense of fulfilment and no regrets. Sure, I should have done this and not that, said that and not the other thing, but those are minor inconveniences, not life course threatening actions that should have been avoided. Where I am right now is where I would like to be. No where else, with no one else (perhaps if Leelee Sobieski was a couple of years younger maybe I would say something different).
I believe people think too much and in a wrong way of "if something were to happen...". They wonder: would my wife remarry?; would I suffer?; I shouldn't have settled so young...; I should have travelled more.; why did I save all that money if now I won't be able to use it? - none of this helps. If it's our imagination, if we are the ones doing the suppositions, why not take advantage of it? The way I see it, if something were to happen, I would let go, peacefully, of everything I had built and managed to achieve, and embrace the unknown, willingly. And why? Because I have no regrets, and I'm too damn curious about what comes after this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make my time here any shorter. As I said, I believe I still have a few more episodes to live on, specially now that I found someone to walk with me on those episodes.
If something were to happen, I believe people around me, that know how I am, would be strong enough to overcome my absence. It's not like if I would make a major difference, as in almost all situations, people are replaceable. I just hope that, if something were to happen, people know that I was a truly happy person, and I also hope that they wave me farewell with a glass on their hands and a smile on their face.
Monday
Day 43, 22nd January - Quintessence of Life
As we are all aware, life isn't always great. We see it in movies, we read it in books or we know it for the (unfortunate) fate of our own life experience. I'm only 22 years old, so I have not much to say regarding life, specially about the negative part of it, as I always had a nice family, a place which I could call home (although it's not always easy to know where it is), friends with whom I could (always) count on and money for day life expenses. But, with 22 years old I can already say I lived a little bit: I've been in University (actually I am still in the process of finishing it); I loved and was loved; I had a lot of different jobs (some I wouldn't mind to go back to, others I would rather not); I had my heart crushed (too many times) and crushed hearts aswell (too many, again.)... With my life still on DEMO mode, I must say I am eager to continue. There's still a few things I most desire to do, such as saving someone's life, help delivering a baby (even if it's just driving the car to the hospital, or holding the soon-to-be mother's hand), having a dinner or some sort of commemoration on my behalf (not a birthday party, that's not enough) and have someone saying: "That guy? Yes I know him. He's a hell of a nice guy." ...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...
Saturday
Day 42, 3rd December - Flashback
I found out that we don't need to have a near death experience to have a flashback from our life. I had a nasty car accident last year, but I was unconscious when it happen so I didn't have that moment when you see your whole life backwards. A few months ago I discovered I had a tumor in my throat and until I found out it wasn't cancer, I didn't have any flashback whatsoever. Instead, I was always imagining hypothetical futures where I would have to tell people about my condition and so on... The first and only time so far I had a flashback was when I found out I had been living a lie for the last year and a half. I thought I was dating an amazing girl, with so much in common and so much to give. My choices were always thinking about a future together... I was living in a city I didn't like, taking a degree I didn't want to anymore, because she was giving me strength and making me believe this was the best for us both. And after all, after all this time we were together, after everything she said to me, including she wanted to build a family together, she was with someone else. I'm not going to write the whole story here, it's too personal, but, the point is, when I realized that happened, I had a flashback. I saw every moment of my life together with her, every choice I had made to keep us together, just running in front of my eyes. Every movie we saw and discussed together, every meal I cooked for her, every walk under the stars, every trip we did, every bottle of wine we drunk, every time we made love... My pain in my chest was so strong, so breathtaking, so overwhelming... I cried. I cried over the next days I found out. No one could comfort me. I felt disgusted, filthy, I could't look myself in the mirror. I was like that for a few days... It was hard. But then I realized I had hit rock bottom, so from now on I could only get better. I re-organized my life and this time only thinking about myself, for the first time in a while. And it feels good. I am moving on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe6AzhRa3o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe6AzhRa3o
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