We never think that something unexpected to us would happen. I mean, why would I get out of the house in the morning thinking that I might get hit by a car, or a vase that falls down from the 6th floor directly on my head, or even a robbery that goes wrong and I don't manage to get back home? That would be sad as fuck if we had these kind of thought right in the morning... But today is different since we have this pandemic situation with the virus. Therefore, here's a couple of thoughts, in case I don't get back home.
I am still quite young, almost a quarter of a century old, but, as I said before, I already have a few life episodes that allow me to say I've lived a little. I'm pretty sure that if everything goes as it should be, I still have plenty more to live, but what I want to say is that, if something were to happen, if I didn't manage to get back home, I would leave this place with a sense of fulfilment and no regrets. Sure, I should have done this and not that, said that and not the other thing, but those are minor inconveniences, not life course threatening actions that should have been avoided. Where I am right now is where I would like to be. No where else, with no one else (perhaps if Leelee Sobieski was a couple of years younger maybe I would say something different).
I believe people think too much and in a wrong way of "if something were to happen...". They wonder: would my wife remarry?; would I suffer?; I shouldn't have settled so young...; I should have travelled more.; why did I save all that money if now I won't be able to use it? - none of this helps. If it's our imagination, if we are the ones doing the suppositions, why not take advantage of it? The way I see it, if something were to happen, I would let go, peacefully, of everything I had built and managed to achieve, and embrace the unknown, willingly. And why? Because I have no regrets, and I'm too damn curious about what comes after this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make my time here any shorter. As I said, I believe I still have a few more episodes to live on, specially now that I found someone to walk with me on those episodes.
If something were to happen, I believe people around me, that know how I am, would be strong enough to overcome my absence. It's not like if I would make a major difference, as in almost all situations, people are replaceable. I just hope that, if something were to happen, people know that I was a truly happy person, and I also hope that they wave me farewell with a glass on their hands and a smile on their face.
Monday
Day 43, 22nd January - Quintessence of Life
As we are all aware, life isn't always great. We see it in movies, we read it in books or we know it for the (unfortunate) fate of our own life experience. I'm only 22 years old, so I have not much to say regarding life, specially about the negative part of it, as I always had a nice family, a place which I could call home (although it's not always easy to know where it is), friends with whom I could (always) count on and money for day life expenses. But, with 22 years old I can already say I lived a little bit: I've been in University (actually I am still in the process of finishing it); I loved and was loved; I had a lot of different jobs (some I wouldn't mind to go back to, others I would rather not); I had my heart crushed (too many times) and crushed hearts aswell (too many, again.)... With my life still on DEMO mode, I must say I am eager to continue. There's still a few things I most desire to do, such as saving someone's life, help delivering a baby (even if it's just driving the car to the hospital, or holding the soon-to-be mother's hand), having a dinner or some sort of commemoration on my behalf (not a birthday party, that's not enough) and have someone saying: "That guy? Yes I know him. He's a hell of a nice guy." ...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...
Right now I'm not very satisfied with the decisions I've been taking. I feel cheated by life because, when I'm about to make a 'life-changing' decision, I measure the prons and cons and usually I follow the path that seems to be more promising, and yet, the consequences haven't been very positive. Not only my heart but also my feelings of self-confidence and trust were shaken not while ago, and I knew I had to make a change in my life, a rupture with the past, so I could have some sort of re-birth (without forgeting what life so gracefully tought me with that catastrophic event). I knew if I didn't do that, I would be haunted once again by the 'what if' idea, like that time I didn't took the chance to go abroad - but, as someone recently tought me, the 'what if' idea doesn't exist. Which can be a bit dangerous, because it can lead us to do things we wouldn't do if we thought 'what if', things that could have falling in love as a consequence - and so, this time, against almost all the ones that are dear to me, I moved to Germany.
It has been a rough start, but most of changes like this are... I thought I would find a place to call home (as it once was) but as all things in life, it changed. Still, I know I will endure! There are some obstacles that life, most of the times for the pure fun of it, throws at you, sometimes to test how strong is your will. I know mine is strong. My will has already changed since I moved here, not in strength but in purpose. The main goal remains the same: to rupture with the past and begin a new part of my life. But when I was already decided to come here, I thought I would find the one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, and now I know this is just another path I have ro walk to be closer to that Quintessence. I know that to meet that goal, I'll need to go back to Portugal and finish my studies, I know I'll have to reconnect with the ones I left behind (physically, because 'spiritually' I brought them all in my heart, some closer than I would have imagined) so they can walk with me that one-and-only path to my Quintessence of Life, whenever and wherever I find it.
Even when our decisions don't meet our expectations, they are (almost) never a waste, because we can always learn from them: learn to adapt; learn not to make that decision again; learn the small changes you must do so next time it will go better. That's what I expect feom this journey I am taking. I expect to get better, wiser, stronger and kinder, so when I go back, I'll make the best decisions I can make, without expecting too much from them and still give always my best.
Although I would like to say more, I cannot, because not all that happens to me falls only in my decision to tell.
Maybe, some day...
Saturday
Day 42, 3rd December - Flashback
I found out that we don't need to have a near death experience to have a flashback from our life. I had a nasty car accident last year, but I was unconscious when it happen so I didn't have that moment when you see your whole life backwards. A few months ago I discovered I had a tumor in my throat and until I found out it wasn't cancer, I didn't have any flashback whatsoever. Instead, I was always imagining hypothetical futures where I would have to tell people about my condition and so on... The first and only time so far I had a flashback was when I found out I had been living a lie for the last year and a half. I thought I was dating an amazing girl, with so much in common and so much to give. My choices were always thinking about a future together... I was living in a city I didn't like, taking a degree I didn't want to anymore, because she was giving me strength and making me believe this was the best for us both. And after all, after all this time we were together, after everything she said to me, including she wanted to build a family together, she was with someone else. I'm not going to write the whole story here, it's too personal, but, the point is, when I realized that happened, I had a flashback. I saw every moment of my life together with her, every choice I had made to keep us together, just running in front of my eyes. Every movie we saw and discussed together, every meal I cooked for her, every walk under the stars, every trip we did, every bottle of wine we drunk, every time we made love... My pain in my chest was so strong, so breathtaking, so overwhelming... I cried. I cried over the next days I found out. No one could comfort me. I felt disgusted, filthy, I could't look myself in the mirror. I was like that for a few days... It was hard. But then I realized I had hit rock bottom, so from now on I could only get better. I re-organized my life and this time only thinking about myself, for the first time in a while. And it feels good. I am moving on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe6AzhRa3o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe6AzhRa3o
Friday
Day 41, 12th May - Lower your expectations
Everyone must have felt like this before: surrounded by people, and yet to feel alone. To need that special text, hug, set of words that won't come... You try not to look where you may find them but not exactly what you want/need. And why should you have the need to find them? Why can't they come to you? When you do what you think is right for the others, you normally do it because you feel it's what you should do, and not because you're expecting something in return. But damn, when you're there for everything and everyone, it would to be expected something... I know others have their own responsibilities and their own life, but sometimes 5 minutes make the difference. A phone call, a visit, a simple smile... To prevent feeling bad for others 'failing' on you, you just need to do one thing: lower your expectations.
It's true, I do expect someone to be there for me when I've been there for that person. Maybe one of my problems is not asking for them to be. But sometimes there's no need for that. Sometimes the other person should know you better. Another of my problems is that I expect the other person's behavior to be like mine if I was in that situation, if I knew someone needed me. And that has been just killing me. And the solution is to lower my expectations. But that will bring a lot of consequences. People that know me already (but not enough to know when I need them, apparently) will be expecting me to be there when they need support. They'll expect a pattern of behaviors that I won't have if I lower my expectations. Because, if I lower them, I'll care less about other people, and consequently I'll stop being there for them 100%. And I fear that by doing so, people will care even less about me and I'll end alone, like a vicious cycle. The best solution would be for everyone act like they want the others to act. Not asking for too much if what they give is too little. I can't be that altruistic to keep my pace as I am doing now. It's kind of tearing me apart.
I really want to step back from my reality now. I feel the urge to go away for a bit. Meet new people or surround myself with the ones that care as much as I need now (yes, I'm needy).
It's true, I do expect someone to be there for me when I've been there for that person. Maybe one of my problems is not asking for them to be. But sometimes there's no need for that. Sometimes the other person should know you better. Another of my problems is that I expect the other person's behavior to be like mine if I was in that situation, if I knew someone needed me. And that has been just killing me. And the solution is to lower my expectations. But that will bring a lot of consequences. People that know me already (but not enough to know when I need them, apparently) will be expecting me to be there when they need support. They'll expect a pattern of behaviors that I won't have if I lower my expectations. Because, if I lower them, I'll care less about other people, and consequently I'll stop being there for them 100%. And I fear that by doing so, people will care even less about me and I'll end alone, like a vicious cycle. The best solution would be for everyone act like they want the others to act. Not asking for too much if what they give is too little. I can't be that altruistic to keep my pace as I am doing now. It's kind of tearing me apart.
I really want to step back from my reality now. I feel the urge to go away for a bit. Meet new people or surround myself with the ones that care as much as I need now (yes, I'm needy).
Monday
Day 40, 24th April - Unfulfilled
Here I am, in the company of a bottle of wine, a tablet of chocolate and a pack of cigarettes with the music on. Normally that's what I need in these moments... I am not gonna lie to you, I'd rather be in a good company, but then again, sometimes we need this company. We need some introspective time to think, measure our past options and deeds so we can evaluate which ones should we take in the near future. And that's precisely what I am not doing right now. And why is that? Because when we take a bottle of wine to ourselves it's probably better not to decide anything for our future. So what should I do? Mourn the past? Naah, that's too cliché... Text my ex? Well, I'm drinking wine, not vodka... Maybe I should just enjoy the wine, listening to the music (Eddie Vedder at the moment)... That should be the best idea, but I felt like i could write something down. I didn't think it too much or it wouldn't be as I wnted to: truthfully. I do have some drafts that I wrote and then decided not to publsh them, but that's maybe because they were too much to be revealed, never because they weren't truth.
What should we do when we feel unfulfilled? If we know what's missing, we should probably go for it. But what if it's the 'forbidden fruit' you are after? What if you know the timing isn't right but you feel like you need that anyway? Major problem: what if what you need doesn't depend only on you? Do you trust enough on someone to rely on them and just wait? Or you bang your head into the wall so many times you end up changing whatever you need/desire? (Is that even possible?) Today, two years ago, and for one more year (hopefully) I am that other someone. I have people relying on me so they can achieve their state of fulfillness. That's what moves me. That's what's been keeping me focused, and still, not making me fulfilled, thus, is making me loose focus... That's a fucked up situation.
Day 39, 6th March - I'm a phoenix...
The doubt... It gets us crazy. "Should I, should I not... Do I, do I not..." When we try to focus on the situation so we can clear our mind of that doubt is when we get the most confused. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. That's what doubts are supposed to do: get us confused. And how should we deal with it? Recently I found someone that has a very simple philosophy of life: "Why should I care if it will end up to go the way it wants? Life, eventually, solves itself." Ironically, it was that person that grew a doubt in me.
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.
Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning: https://youtu.be/8mVbdjec0pA
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.
Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning: https://youtu.be/8mVbdjec0pA
Tuesday
Day 38, 20th December - Couldn't help it
So I was browsing the internet, and as I saw an image containing this text, I couldn't help it to let go a tear from my eyes:
Why do we rush? Why can't we enjoy what we have? Why can't we live the present? It's funny I came across this image... I don't feel ok at my current town. I don't feel happy here, and I want to move, since I got that opportunity to go away. And since I declined it, I started to feel like I took one of my worst decisions ever (except maybe that time I thought I was good to drive and had a car crash on the way home). And since then, I've been surviving on my daily life, without enjoying it properly. I surrounded myself with people that make my everyday a lot better (instead of just bearable) and help me to endure in this quest to end this fucking law degree and finally go away. And I can't wait for that moment. Just to go away... But Today I saw this image... And made me realize that maybe I'm better like this. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and think I shouldn't have rushed things. Maybe I should have lived the present when I was 'here and now'. I live in my own flat, with the expenses covered by my parents, I have a maid once a week, I have money from my parents (although I choose to work to help them out with my expenses), if I feel like I don't want to go to classes, I can always bail out, I have great friends to spend my time with, I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that supports me... I have a great life. So why rush it? Why can't I wait for the future to come?
I hope I'll eventually learn to live the present... To live my present. To live this present!
Day 37, 6th September - Above the water
There are times we live like kings: we want it, we get it. The responsibilities are nearly none, we are just there to party and live for ourselves, not living without consideration for the others, but putting our lusts in priority. We all had those times, we "need" those times. But then, we get 'the other side of the coin', when we struggle to get our shit done, when we have only responsibilities, when we pity for someone to listen to us, to be there for us, to guide us, when we have to use all of our strengths just not to drown.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.
Day 36, 30th May - Connection
We try to maintain a certain relation with people. We put some effort on it, so we feel proud of that relation and so we can count with that person when the time comes. Some relations require more attention than others. It's amazing how some people can maintain connected even without being conscious of what is needed for that relation. Well, in those cases, it's pure love, that's what is needed, nothing else... I came across a sister's friendship like that. I only know one of them, but the way she talks about her sister, the sparkles in her eyes when she says how much she loves her... I can't compare it to nothing that I've seen until now. Even I get those watery eyes when I hear her talking about their connection. Her sister doesn't have 100% perception of the reality that surrounds us, my friend says "she's pure with innocent eyes", which makes their friendship so amazing. Her sister can be angry or upset about something, but that changes the minute she sees her. They are truly connected, without an effort. It's true we have good friends that can understand us without being needed to say much, but that's not the same.
I call myself lucky regarding my friendships and connections. Not lucky because no matter what I do they're always there for me, no. Lucky because I had the opportunity to make a connection with them. After that, my friendship relations require a lot of effort, but that's why I give them so much value.
Through time, I've been blessed and cursed with some connections I made. Cursed in a good and a bad way. In a bad way because I took things by granted, and mistook acquainted people by friends, and trusted too much on who I shouldn't have trusted, or even made too much pressure on some connections trying to force them to be good friendships (by mistake, not forcing it in a creepy stalker way haha)... When I mean 'cursed in a good way' is dooming a connections in order to get another one, with the same person. Like some sort of upgrade. But I considered it cursed because, just like an upgrade of something, you loose some functions from the old version. Functions you were used to and knew you could rely on. You get virgin ground, without knowing where is it safe to step. If you are able to dance all over the floor, or if you will fall into an abyss as soon as you step forward. If is there any safe path you can take, or if you must be dodging holes the hole walk. If you can keep doing what you used to do before, or if the new connections obliges you to move on and adapt, to forget what 'used to be' and embrace the new way of looking to that person.
I call myself lucky regarding my friendships and connections. Not lucky because no matter what I do they're always there for me, no. Lucky because I had the opportunity to make a connection with them. After that, my friendship relations require a lot of effort, but that's why I give them so much value.
Through time, I've been blessed and cursed with some connections I made. Cursed in a good and a bad way. In a bad way because I took things by granted, and mistook acquainted people by friends, and trusted too much on who I shouldn't have trusted, or even made too much pressure on some connections trying to force them to be good friendships (by mistake, not forcing it in a creepy stalker way haha)... When I mean 'cursed in a good way' is dooming a connections in order to get another one, with the same person. Like some sort of upgrade. But I considered it cursed because, just like an upgrade of something, you loose some functions from the old version. Functions you were used to and knew you could rely on. You get virgin ground, without knowing where is it safe to step. If you are able to dance all over the floor, or if you will fall into an abyss as soon as you step forward. If is there any safe path you can take, or if you must be dodging holes the hole walk. If you can keep doing what you used to do before, or if the new connections obliges you to move on and adapt, to forget what 'used to be' and embrace the new way of looking to that person.
All in all, connections are always good. Even if they won't last, you can always learn something from them. And maybe the best connections are the ones that don't last, but you keep them in your mind for the rest of your days.
Thursday
Day 35, 21st April - Chances and Opportunities
I already wrote about chances here, but at that time I had no idea what i was talking about. I was naive, I didn't know how big the World was/is. Now, because I was forced to grow up, I have a new perspective of things.
Chances come and chances go. We may have second chances, but they're not the same. We might have a chance to buy a new car, and we don't take it. Some time after we buy that car and we have two ways of thinking: I'm glad I just bought the car now; Why didn't I buy the car earlier? And what ever we think, we don't know what would have been the outcome of taking the first chance to buy it. We don't know if we would have had an accident if we took the first chance, or if we would have had the possibility to save/help someone with that car if we had took the first chance. We chance our destiny when we choose to take or not to take the chance we have. And the consequences of the way we didn't choose are only suppositions of what might have happen.
A few years ago I had a chance of going abroad. We had a cousin having dinner with us, a very successful man from USA. And he was telling me and my brother how did he end up in USA, how his life started there. And he began to say: "I was introduced to a person, that later became my mentor and he is the reason for a lot of what I achieved until today." I knew what those words meant. Later, after dinner, I spoke to my father and I said: "He was saying he can be my mentor." I knew it, 100% sure that he could be to us, what that man once represented to him. I never had an invitation like that. I started to think about the hole conversation we had during dinner, all the details he said, and I was astonished with the proposition that was made to me, indirectly. I had the chance to go to florida, with one of the best mentors I could think of. I had to take it, but unfortunately I didn't do it. I was young, I had 15 years, and although I had the perception of how big that was, I didn't put myself into it. I didn't realize that chances like that don't happen again. A few months later, he became ill, and ended up passing away. There are no second chances...
A few months ago I wrote here that I was going to fly away. Going after the quintessence of life. I had many projects, many ideas: Vietnam, Australia, Germany... After a while, an opportunity came up. Giving English lessons in a college, in Indonesia. That sounded just great! The timing was right, the place was right, everything sounded too good to be true. I started to make all the arrangements needed, I came on contact with the locals that were taking care of my application, (they were fantastic BTW), took my passport... I was feeling that I already had one foot there and one foot here. Last week, I got an e-mail from them saying due to superveniente complications with the application of a new law, it would be impossible for them to accept foreign people to the position I was going to take. I got devastated. Mainly because, as we say in portuguese, I had put the wagon in front of the ox. I was already thinking I had a foot there and another here. That was my mistake. Opportunities and chances are no more than that. There's a mere possibility of happening. And we should be prepared for both outcomes, happening or not happening.
This was not a second chance. As I said, there are no second chances. This was a new one, and I'm glad I took it this time. It doesn't matter if it didn't happen. There will be more chances and opportunities! I just know there will be...
Chances come and chances go. We may have second chances, but they're not the same. We might have a chance to buy a new car, and we don't take it. Some time after we buy that car and we have two ways of thinking: I'm glad I just bought the car now; Why didn't I buy the car earlier? And what ever we think, we don't know what would have been the outcome of taking the first chance to buy it. We don't know if we would have had an accident if we took the first chance, or if we would have had the possibility to save/help someone with that car if we had took the first chance. We chance our destiny when we choose to take or not to take the chance we have. And the consequences of the way we didn't choose are only suppositions of what might have happen.
A few years ago I had a chance of going abroad. We had a cousin having dinner with us, a very successful man from USA. And he was telling me and my brother how did he end up in USA, how his life started there. And he began to say: "I was introduced to a person, that later became my mentor and he is the reason for a lot of what I achieved until today." I knew what those words meant. Later, after dinner, I spoke to my father and I said: "He was saying he can be my mentor." I knew it, 100% sure that he could be to us, what that man once represented to him. I never had an invitation like that. I started to think about the hole conversation we had during dinner, all the details he said, and I was astonished with the proposition that was made to me, indirectly. I had the chance to go to florida, with one of the best mentors I could think of. I had to take it, but unfortunately I didn't do it. I was young, I had 15 years, and although I had the perception of how big that was, I didn't put myself into it. I didn't realize that chances like that don't happen again. A few months later, he became ill, and ended up passing away. There are no second chances...
A few months ago I wrote here that I was going to fly away. Going after the quintessence of life. I had many projects, many ideas: Vietnam, Australia, Germany... After a while, an opportunity came up. Giving English lessons in a college, in Indonesia. That sounded just great! The timing was right, the place was right, everything sounded too good to be true. I started to make all the arrangements needed, I came on contact with the locals that were taking care of my application, (they were fantastic BTW), took my passport... I was feeling that I already had one foot there and one foot here. Last week, I got an e-mail from them saying due to superveniente complications with the application of a new law, it would be impossible for them to accept foreign people to the position I was going to take. I got devastated. Mainly because, as we say in portuguese, I had put the wagon in front of the ox. I was already thinking I had a foot there and another here. That was my mistake. Opportunities and chances are no more than that. There's a mere possibility of happening. And we should be prepared for both outcomes, happening or not happening.
This was not a second chance. As I said, there are no second chances. This was a new one, and I'm glad I took it this time. It doesn't matter if it didn't happen. There will be more chances and opportunities! I just know there will be...
Tuesday
Day 34, 2nd of February, Where are the answers?
When we had questions when we were younger, we just asked mom or dad (normally mom, they know the best). While we get older, we start to find the answers ourselves, instead of asking other people, but there are always answers very hard to stumble across. For instance: what to do when we are close to a melt down? What should I make for dinner? Do I keep pushing myself to the limit or should I 'rest' and let things flow? What about timing? We might even know what to do, but when?
I guess the most exquisite and amazing question I bumped into until today is: What is to be in love? What is to fall in love? What do we feel, how do we know we are in love? Should we know that we are in love? What do we do? How do I stop it? How do I make it to last 'for ever'?
I guess you can't actually know if you're in love. You might know after that you were in love, when you become rational again. But, when you are on that rush of emotions and feelings, when you act without thinking, when there's always the bright side, that's when you're in love. But, as you have so many things on your head, you don't really realize you actually are in love. That's the beauty of it. The act of love, sometimes, isn't understandable, but is mostly a rational emotion: I love that person because she makes me feel good, I like to spend time with her. When you're in love, there's not a single fuck rational about it. You don't even know in what situation you are, how could you expect that being in love would be a rational state of mind? You just try to focus on breathing, (which sometimes can be a difficult task) and everything else will happen as it should, somehow, without being able to explain how it happens. That's why, to me, is much more explosive, intense and worth it to be in love rather than love someone. Although the feeling of love someone is good, stable, that might protect you from everything else, it can become boring. Being in love? Well, there's nothing boring about it, you might even don't have enough endurance to deal with it.
My advice, is to be an open minded person, never close a window without giving it a peek first, you don't know what kind of amazing and unique view you might be wasting. But, who am I to give an advice?
I guess the most exquisite and amazing question I bumped into until today is: What is to be in love? What is to fall in love? What do we feel, how do we know we are in love? Should we know that we are in love? What do we do? How do I stop it? How do I make it to last 'for ever'?
I guess you can't actually know if you're in love. You might know after that you were in love, when you become rational again. But, when you are on that rush of emotions and feelings, when you act without thinking, when there's always the bright side, that's when you're in love. But, as you have so many things on your head, you don't really realize you actually are in love. That's the beauty of it. The act of love, sometimes, isn't understandable, but is mostly a rational emotion: I love that person because she makes me feel good, I like to spend time with her. When you're in love, there's not a single fuck rational about it. You don't even know in what situation you are, how could you expect that being in love would be a rational state of mind? You just try to focus on breathing, (which sometimes can be a difficult task) and everything else will happen as it should, somehow, without being able to explain how it happens. That's why, to me, is much more explosive, intense and worth it to be in love rather than love someone. Although the feeling of love someone is good, stable, that might protect you from everything else, it can become boring. Being in love? Well, there's nothing boring about it, you might even don't have enough endurance to deal with it.
My advice, is to be an open minded person, never close a window without giving it a peek first, you don't know what kind of amazing and unique view you might be wasting. But, who am I to give an advice?
Wednesday
Day 33, 21st of October, Fly away.
Why is it common sense that, to achieve happiness, we must overcome obstacles? Why do we 'need' to get that feeling of accomplishment to be worthy of happiness? Why can't we just turn the corner and BAM, there's happiness? Why can't we just find it like that? If we're not happy with what we are doing, we should just stop it and find something that makes us feel good with ourselves, that makes us feel happy. But noooo, we must finish what we are doing so we can say we never gave up, and we made it until the end. What for, if that doesn't make us happy? Imagine you make a lot of effort to go on a train, you work hard to have enough money to buy the ticket, you wake up early to go to the station and find yourself the best seat. You get on the train and you feel good for the first hour. Then, you realize that's not exactly what you want. You look out of the window and you see that the train is heading to a place you know you won't feel good, that you know you won't find happiness. Why can't you just jump off the train? Why, for most people, is more important to finish what you started, go to the end, and then come back and change the path? Why shouldn't we change it when we realize that it's not the right one? "And how do you know it's not the right one if you don't finish it?" you may ask. We must take pleasure on what we do, even to achieve something. We must feel it's worth it. And if we are doing that path 'just because' then it's because it's not the right one. Specially if you have the best seat on the train, with the best view and accommodation. If you can't be in a better situation, and you still don't feel happy, it's because it's time to change!
We are always afraid of change. "Oh, the unknown..." When I said I wanted to go away, the instantaneous reaction was: "Why? And where to?" Easy questions: "Because here I don't feel good. Where to? I still don't know yet, just out of here." "Oh that's so childish. Running away from your responsibilities. And you don't even have a plan where to go to." "I don't need one. If I'm not happy here, I just need to go somewhere else to see if I'm happy there." Why is so fucking difficult to understand this? I understand why most people want to stay where they are, why can't people make an effort on understand my point of view? Why is it childish and irresponsible to be different? No, I don't know if I am ready to this. No, I don't know if I'll regret it. No, I don't know If I'll come back in less than a month. But I'll never know, unless I'll try to do it. A few 'posts ago' I wrote this:
"With a new life comes new responsibilities, new obstacles, new disappointments, new flaws... But do we have the right to new friends, new virtues, new dreams? I hope so, otherwise, why change to a new life? Why choose the unknown, why choose to leave our comfort zone and explore life as it is? The best knowledge we will ever receive it's the one we earn, by living life, by experimenting and experience everything that life gives to us, by exploring ourselves the true nature of living. What if we are too afraid to make a mistake? What if we feel we can't do it?"
We are always afraid of change. "Oh, the unknown..." When I said I wanted to go away, the instantaneous reaction was: "Why? And where to?" Easy questions: "Because here I don't feel good. Where to? I still don't know yet, just out of here." "Oh that's so childish. Running away from your responsibilities. And you don't even have a plan where to go to." "I don't need one. If I'm not happy here, I just need to go somewhere else to see if I'm happy there." Why is so fucking difficult to understand this? I understand why most people want to stay where they are, why can't people make an effort on understand my point of view? Why is it childish and irresponsible to be different? No, I don't know if I am ready to this. No, I don't know if I'll regret it. No, I don't know If I'll come back in less than a month. But I'll never know, unless I'll try to do it. A few 'posts ago' I wrote this:
"With a new life comes new responsibilities, new obstacles, new disappointments, new flaws... But do we have the right to new friends, new virtues, new dreams? I hope so, otherwise, why change to a new life? Why choose the unknown, why choose to leave our comfort zone and explore life as it is? The best knowledge we will ever receive it's the one we earn, by living life, by experimenting and experience everything that life gives to us, by exploring ourselves the true nature of living. What if we are too afraid to make a mistake? What if we feel we can't do it?"
If I leave, it will be hard. Leaving family, friends, places... But won't we all leave one day?
Saturday
Day 32, 17th of October - Oh, the past...
We all have one, right? And we can´t run away from it. All we can do, is to learn how to live with it. It's hard, I know, but what would be the point of living, if it was easy? Living is not for the ones who can, for those, it's just surviving. Living is for the ones who want, who are strong enough to recognize the mistakes they make, and be able to improve and do better next time. It's a fact, we can't run away from our past, so why should we try to hide it? Or act like it didn't happen?
We all regret one, or two, or thousands of actions we made in the past. It's normal. We are humans, and humans make mistakes. Some make more than the average, like me. My past is full of mistakes, and yet, I wouldn't change it. Maybe one or two things (or a thousand), no, just kidding. I guess I wouldn't. Even knowing I'm not a VERY happy person, I do have everything to make myself happy. It wouldn't be a change in the past that would make a difference. But don't fool yourselves: happiness doesn't come from changing the past, but may come from the way you make your future decisions.
My happiness mostly comes when I make a decision, not thinking about myself, but about someone else. When I do something for someone's happiness. Kant once said we only do good things to other people by pure self interest. Obviously I don't agree. I couldn't live with myself believing in that. That would be a fucked up world. Yes, I published here my 'Good Deed' when I fed the homeless people in Christmas. And yes, it felt good being acknowledge by that deed. But I also do other things for other people not because of acknowledge. A lot of times after doing something for someone else I think: "Shit, why did I do that? He/she doesn't deserve it. Why did you give that to them? You'll need it. You're so stupid". Sometimes I feel bad helping others because I too need help at that moment and I don't get it from others. It may sound really stupid, I know. And I don't feel like this when I know I'm giving something that I know the other person needs more than I do. I normally feel like that when I'm helping someone that it's in a better position than I am. When I needed that kind of help from someone and that person that I'm helping knew my situation and still didn't help. But that's the beauty of it. That's the true altruism. That's what makes me happy when I think of my past.
We worry tom much about what we did. Guess what, you can't change it. Apologize and move on. It's hard, you'll cry, you'll imagine "What if I have done something else than that?" But It's not worth it, because you can't change it. Still, you can change the consequences! You screwed things up with someone? Go talk to her/him. You didn't help someone in need? Tell her/him next time you'll help. Make a commitment. I said I didn't agree with Kant, but still, if the only way you'll help someone is because you know you'll feel good with it? Than do it. I can tell you, it really feels good sometimes. You want acknowledge? Start a blog like I did! HAHA. Just help when you see someone that needs. You don't know the day of tomorrow. Now you may feel invincible, but maybe tomorrow you'll be needing help. And by helping people, I'm not saying to give money to every beggar you see, or to welcome homeless at your house. Sometimes just being polite is enough to help someone who's having a rough day. Greet the bus driver. Let people pass the street even if it's not a crosswalk. Say "Have a nice day" when you buy your newspaper of coffee or cigarettes.
I'm always trying to make a difference. I like to know I'm different from the people I see everyday at uni, at work, at the bus station, at the shopping center... But I would love to know that, at this matter, they were more like me. That they would act like I do (sometimes) when they see someone in need of help. Oh, wouldn't we have a better world? Wouldn't' we have better days?
We all regret one, or two, or thousands of actions we made in the past. It's normal. We are humans, and humans make mistakes. Some make more than the average, like me. My past is full of mistakes, and yet, I wouldn't change it. Maybe one or two things (or a thousand), no, just kidding. I guess I wouldn't. Even knowing I'm not a VERY happy person, I do have everything to make myself happy. It wouldn't be a change in the past that would make a difference. But don't fool yourselves: happiness doesn't come from changing the past, but may come from the way you make your future decisions.
My happiness mostly comes when I make a decision, not thinking about myself, but about someone else. When I do something for someone's happiness. Kant once said we only do good things to other people by pure self interest. Obviously I don't agree. I couldn't live with myself believing in that. That would be a fucked up world. Yes, I published here my 'Good Deed' when I fed the homeless people in Christmas. And yes, it felt good being acknowledge by that deed. But I also do other things for other people not because of acknowledge. A lot of times after doing something for someone else I think: "Shit, why did I do that? He/she doesn't deserve it. Why did you give that to them? You'll need it. You're so stupid". Sometimes I feel bad helping others because I too need help at that moment and I don't get it from others. It may sound really stupid, I know. And I don't feel like this when I know I'm giving something that I know the other person needs more than I do. I normally feel like that when I'm helping someone that it's in a better position than I am. When I needed that kind of help from someone and that person that I'm helping knew my situation and still didn't help. But that's the beauty of it. That's the true altruism. That's what makes me happy when I think of my past.
We worry tom much about what we did. Guess what, you can't change it. Apologize and move on. It's hard, you'll cry, you'll imagine "What if I have done something else than that?" But It's not worth it, because you can't change it. Still, you can change the consequences! You screwed things up with someone? Go talk to her/him. You didn't help someone in need? Tell her/him next time you'll help. Make a commitment. I said I didn't agree with Kant, but still, if the only way you'll help someone is because you know you'll feel good with it? Than do it. I can tell you, it really feels good sometimes. You want acknowledge? Start a blog like I did! HAHA. Just help when you see someone that needs. You don't know the day of tomorrow. Now you may feel invincible, but maybe tomorrow you'll be needing help. And by helping people, I'm not saying to give money to every beggar you see, or to welcome homeless at your house. Sometimes just being polite is enough to help someone who's having a rough day. Greet the bus driver. Let people pass the street even if it's not a crosswalk. Say "Have a nice day" when you buy your newspaper of coffee or cigarettes.
I'm always trying to make a difference. I like to know I'm different from the people I see everyday at uni, at work, at the bus station, at the shopping center... But I would love to know that, at this matter, they were more like me. That they would act like I do (sometimes) when they see someone in need of help. Oh, wouldn't we have a better world? Wouldn't' we have better days?
Monday
Day 31, 2nd of March - Like if it was yesterday...
You know that feeling when you don't do something a long time ago, but it feels like you did it yesterday? It's weird, I know, because you miss doing that thing, but when you do it, it seems like it wasn't that long the last time you did it. This happens to me when I speak to some friends, like Nathaly. I met her long time ago, and since then, we never stop talking to each other for long periods of time. Sometimes it's longer than we wanted because the distance that keep us apart doesn't help at all, but we try never to lose contact. Unfortunately, we haven't talked for some time now.... But guess what... I just "spoke" to her. It was by message, but while I was reading what she sent, I could hear her talking, just like if it was yesterday the last time we talked... It's funny how our mind can trick us like that. For instance, my last post here was long time ago, very long time ago, and yet, while I'm writing right now, I can remember exactly what I wrote, when I wrote and what I was doing while I was writing. It's amazing how some things in our lives have this power in our minds. Unfortunately, when it comes to study, my mind doesn't work like that...
It just happens when I'm dealing with something important in my life, like friends, or something I really like doing, like writing, or reading, or listening to a special song... Those strong emotions must be kept in a special part of our brain, very sensitive, that gets activated with 'saudade'. I already tried to explain what 'saudade' is, but the word itself is complicated to translate, even more the emotion that represents. It's like when you miss something so much that even hurts when you think about it. And, at least with me, 'saudade' can work in both ways: either it makes me think like if it was yesterday that something happened; or makes me think that happened in my previous life.
It can be very difficult to deal with 'saudades' alone. Always have someone that can help you in those moments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwdGWiONMBw
Asdrubal
It just happens when I'm dealing with something important in my life, like friends, or something I really like doing, like writing, or reading, or listening to a special song... Those strong emotions must be kept in a special part of our brain, very sensitive, that gets activated with 'saudade'. I already tried to explain what 'saudade' is, but the word itself is complicated to translate, even more the emotion that represents. It's like when you miss something so much that even hurts when you think about it. And, at least with me, 'saudade' can work in both ways: either it makes me think like if it was yesterday that something happened; or makes me think that happened in my previous life.
It can be very difficult to deal with 'saudades' alone. Always have someone that can help you in those moments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwdGWiONMBw
Asdrubal
Sunday
Day 30, 20th of July - The Coward Inside Us
I used to think I was a strong person. For many times I proved myself I was strong. I stood up for the weak, I helped who needed, gave food to those who were hungry... I used to imagine a situation of stress or danger and think how would I react. Normally, those situations ended up with me saving the day and being a hero. I really thought I was strong, physic and mentally. But, even after all these years believing in that and imagine those situations, it took just 5 minutes of my last night to realize I was lying to myself.
While I was waiting for the bus, around 4am., a group of 5 guys between 15 and 20 years old approached a bench behind the bus stop to smoke something. There was a young couple (20's) and a man waiting for the bus too. I saw a woman on the other side of the street, cursing to the cars that were passing by. Then, she started to walk towards the group behind me. She was clearly drunk. They started a weird conversation, that I didn't pay much attention, but then I actually turned around and saw the woman spitting in a guy's face. What was she thinking? Probably she wasn't thinking at all, she didn't know what was she doing. Two guys started laughing, and two more spit back to her. Another one pushed her and she fell. Then, like typical cowards, the all ran away and left her lying down. But the most coward person that night was me. I stood there and did nothing. I called the emergency number when they were running away and asked her if she was ok, but, the moment I should have intervened had already passed by. She said she was ok, she knew where she was and that she was now going home. So I told the emergency people there was no need to call for police or an ambulance. When I hung up the phone, the woman kept saying: "You saw. They beat me. They beat me. They beat me." And while she was saying that, I was thinking: "I saw, and I did nothing. I'm a coward." The bus came, and when I was entering the bus, she grabbed my arm and said: "You save my life."
But I didn't. I just stood there, indifferent, frozen, like a coward.
Asdrubal
While I was waiting for the bus, around 4am., a group of 5 guys between 15 and 20 years old approached a bench behind the bus stop to smoke something. There was a young couple (20's) and a man waiting for the bus too. I saw a woman on the other side of the street, cursing to the cars that were passing by. Then, she started to walk towards the group behind me. She was clearly drunk. They started a weird conversation, that I didn't pay much attention, but then I actually turned around and saw the woman spitting in a guy's face. What was she thinking? Probably she wasn't thinking at all, she didn't know what was she doing. Two guys started laughing, and two more spit back to her. Another one pushed her and she fell. Then, like typical cowards, the all ran away and left her lying down. But the most coward person that night was me. I stood there and did nothing. I called the emergency number when they were running away and asked her if she was ok, but, the moment I should have intervened had already passed by. She said she was ok, she knew where she was and that she was now going home. So I told the emergency people there was no need to call for police or an ambulance. When I hung up the phone, the woman kept saying: "You saw. They beat me. They beat me. They beat me." And while she was saying that, I was thinking: "I saw, and I did nothing. I'm a coward." The bus came, and when I was entering the bus, she grabbed my arm and said: "You save my life."
But I didn't. I just stood there, indifferent, frozen, like a coward.
Asdrubal
Day 29, 12th of January - Backstage
Sometimes I feel like I need or I should write... I don't know what, and specially I don't know how to start, I guess that's the most difficult part, because, after a few lines everything will just 'go with the flow'. In the beginning, you really have to push the keys hard so you can type down a single letter, and then, pure magic happens, and the keys push themselves down, the keyboard is alive. And I'm glad that happens, otherwise I couldn't write anything... But that's not even the first part. You have a whole bunch of ideas, thoughts, memories and dreams that you actually want to express, to share with others, and you don't have a clue how to do it. It's quite hard, and the ones who actually do it know what I'm talking about, and for the ones that don't know what this feeling is: YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Seriously, when you get a text finished, you read it, and you feel something inside, you feel proud on what you wrote. It's true, the things we are most proud of are the ones you don't actually need to share with the others, because it's something yours, and yours only, but still, it feels good to share some things. It can be just a thought (some are worth sharing, you must evaluate it first haha), and idea, an opinion, what ever you want... After you chose that one thing you want to write about it, you must NOT start to think how you should write it. Just begin with something related and you'll see everything will come, word after word. You must never give up on what you're writing, and you will feel it's all crap and you want to delete everything. That will happen, normally, in the middle, like where I am now. I already read this from top to bottom a few times and I really want to delete it, but I hope I'll manage to end it and feel proud of it. For me to feel proud of this bunch of words when I've finish writing them, I must change subject and talk about another backstage.
The big things, the really most important things that you are capable of doing or that can happen to you, are not the ones that everyone knows, or the ones you turn public... The most amazing moments are the ones that happen in backstage. For example, it's very important to know how to dance when you're in front a lot of people and your pair is a beautiful girl, but it actually doesn't matter if you dance like a robot, or if your feet are glued to the floor if you're dancing in backstage. And it's not because everyone saw you dancing beautifully, a wonderful song with an outstanding good looking girl that will turn that moment special, because special moments happen in backstage. Imagine you're dancing in a room, in the dark, with a music you don't know but with the right person. It doesn't matter if a cat is the only public you have, that moment can't get any better... (Damn it. I still want to delete the whole text...)
Asdrubal
The big things, the really most important things that you are capable of doing or that can happen to you, are not the ones that everyone knows, or the ones you turn public... The most amazing moments are the ones that happen in backstage. For example, it's very important to know how to dance when you're in front a lot of people and your pair is a beautiful girl, but it actually doesn't matter if you dance like a robot, or if your feet are glued to the floor if you're dancing in backstage. And it's not because everyone saw you dancing beautifully, a wonderful song with an outstanding good looking girl that will turn that moment special, because special moments happen in backstage. Imagine you're dancing in a room, in the dark, with a music you don't know but with the right person. It doesn't matter if a cat is the only public you have, that moment can't get any better... (Damn it. I still want to delete the whole text...)
Asdrubal
Wednesday
Day 28, 25 of December - Aaaaaaahhhhhhhnd it's gone.
So today I had a different day... I went to Pingo Doce (a portuguese supermarket) and I bought a King cake (Bolo Rei, typical Christmas cake) some napkins and a knife. I was about to make my 'good deed' of the year...
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had in my mind, in the beginning of December, to buy around 10 blankets and distribute them to some homeless people. Today, was the day I should do that, but it was raining a lot, so I decided I was going to buy raincoats, and distribute them. But I'm having a small management problem with my money (WHERE IS IT) so I ended up buying these things... My heart was faster than usually, and I was beginning to sweat. Why was I so nervous?
I was still inside the supermarket and I decided I had to cut the cake there, because it was raining a lot and I didn't even had a place to cut it outside... So, I asked permission to a lady that was using the ATM, to cut the cake on top of the ATM. She looked at me suspicious, maybe because I was holding a knife, starring at her, drawing money, but eventually she nodded. First problem: solved.
When I started to walk around looking for homeless people, it wasn't raining that bad, and I actually found quite a few (people) in the first half an hour. The cake's slices were flying...
The problem was, it began to rain a lot, and no one was on the streets... The few that remain begging, declined my help and didn't accept any cake. So I headed to banks. It's very common to see homeless people sleeping inside those small 'rooms' where we can draw money. After walking for 15 minutes, I found a person sleeping inside one of those rooms. I took my credit card out of my wallet and opened the door. We was in a deep sleep, so I decided just to leave the cake slice near him. No one would steal it, I hope...
It was still remaining 1/4 of the cake... What now? Where should I go? TO THE METRO STATIONS! I covered 3 metro stations, all the exits, and the cake was near the end. When I was heading to the lat exit, I found Maurice. He was writing poems with an old typing machine. It was like if he had jumped from the XIX century to there. I asked if he wanted a slice, and he accepted. Then, he replied:
-Do you want me to write you a poem?
-Yes, that would be lovely. - so he began to write it... It took a few minutes, but it was worth the waiting.
So, what I want you to do next Christmas, (or even earlier, you don't have to wait for a special occasion to make a nice gesture) is to make someone smile. Just stop doing what you are doing, and think for a while: "What are we doing in this world, if we don't do something nice for those who need? For those who don't have what we take for granted? Think."
There's no need to do something BIG... Just make someone smile...
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Asdrubal
Thursday
Day 27, 12 of December - Am I homesick?
I don't usually 'miss' things like: 'Oh, I miss when I was younger...' or 'I miss my previous "life".' But, today, when I was doing the groceries, I saw dog food, and I actually felt 'saudades' of buying it to my dogs. You're probably asking yourselves "What the hell does 'saudades' means?!' Well, it's a typical portuguese word which doesn't have a proper translation. It means you miss doing something, but in a much stronger way, much deeper inside you. And, yes, I miss buying food to my dogs, I miss feeding them and playing around. I miss my daily routine when I was at my other house. I miss waking up in the morning (in a rush because my dad is already waiting for me in the car to go and drop me at school) take a shower and run to my dad's car with the toast between the teeth. Before classes I used to go to a caffe to meet my friends and then we would debate and discuss about going or not going to school. If we decided not going to school, we would spend the whole morning playing cards and drinking beer (sorry dad). In the afternoon we didn't have classes, so we would stay in the caffe xD Oh, glorious days are over... Maybe in a few years, I'll be saying the same about today, but now, I miss those days... I miss my town, my daily-routine, my people...
Tuesday
Day 26, 8 of October - Turning the Page
Do you remember when I said life was like a book? Well, today I ended a chapter and turned the page... Does it happen to you, to be reading a book, you turn the page and when you begin to read again, it doesn't make sense because you skipped a few pages and you didn't notice? What if I didn't end reading the chapter? What if I'm skipping a few pages, and I will only realize when I'm finish reading the book? No one can warn me about it. I'm the only one who can realize if I'm making that mistake. But how do you realize that kind of mistake without being too late? When reading a book, you can always go back a few pages, and the problem is solved, but in this situation is quite different. There's no index, no turning back. I don't want any pages ripped off from my book, but I don't want to keep reading the same page over and over again, without going to the next one. I don't want to miss new characters, new chapters and so one, but I don't want to begin a new chapter without knowing if I read the previous chapter or not. Otherwise, the chapter I would begin, wouldn't make any sense, it would be a waste of pages, and there's a limited number of them. Choose your steps very carefully, or you can be ruining the end of the book, without knowing it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jK-NcRmVcw
Asdrubal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jK-NcRmVcw
Asdrubal
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