When we had questions when we were younger, we just asked mom or dad (normally mom, they know the best). While we get older, we start to find the answers ourselves, instead of asking other people, but there are always answers very hard to stumble across. For instance: what to do when we are close to a melt down? What should I make for dinner? Do I keep pushing myself to the limit or should I 'rest' and let things flow? What about timing? We might even know what to do, but when?
I guess the most exquisite and amazing question I bumped into until today is: What is to be in love? What is to fall in love? What do we feel, how do we know we are in love? Should we know that we are in love? What do we do? How do I stop it? How do I make it to last 'for ever'?
I guess you can't actually know if you're in love. You might know after that you were in love, when you become rational again. But, when you are on that rush of emotions and feelings, when you act without thinking, when there's always the bright side, that's when you're in love. But, as you have so many things on your head, you don't really realize you actually are in love. That's the beauty of it. The act of love, sometimes, isn't understandable, but is mostly a rational emotion: I love that person because she makes me feel good, I like to spend time with her. When you're in love, there's not a single fuck rational about it. You don't even know in what situation you are, how could you expect that being in love would be a rational state of mind? You just try to focus on breathing, (which sometimes can be a difficult task) and everything else will happen as it should, somehow, without being able to explain how it happens. That's why, to me, is much more explosive, intense and worth it to be in love rather than love someone. Although the feeling of love someone is good, stable, that might protect you from everything else, it can become boring. Being in love? Well, there's nothing boring about it, you might even don't have enough endurance to deal with it.
My advice, is to be an open minded person, never close a window without giving it a peek first, you don't know what kind of amazing and unique view you might be wasting. But, who am I to give an advice?
Wednesday
Day 33, 21st of October, Fly away.
Why is it common sense that, to achieve happiness, we must overcome obstacles? Why do we 'need' to get that feeling of accomplishment to be worthy of happiness? Why can't we just turn the corner and BAM, there's happiness? Why can't we just find it like that? If we're not happy with what we are doing, we should just stop it and find something that makes us feel good with ourselves, that makes us feel happy. But noooo, we must finish what we are doing so we can say we never gave up, and we made it until the end. What for, if that doesn't make us happy? Imagine you make a lot of effort to go on a train, you work hard to have enough money to buy the ticket, you wake up early to go to the station and find yourself the best seat. You get on the train and you feel good for the first hour. Then, you realize that's not exactly what you want. You look out of the window and you see that the train is heading to a place you know you won't feel good, that you know you won't find happiness. Why can't you just jump off the train? Why, for most people, is more important to finish what you started, go to the end, and then come back and change the path? Why shouldn't we change it when we realize that it's not the right one? "And how do you know it's not the right one if you don't finish it?" you may ask. We must take pleasure on what we do, even to achieve something. We must feel it's worth it. And if we are doing that path 'just because' then it's because it's not the right one. Specially if you have the best seat on the train, with the best view and accommodation. If you can't be in a better situation, and you still don't feel happy, it's because it's time to change!
We are always afraid of change. "Oh, the unknown..." When I said I wanted to go away, the instantaneous reaction was: "Why? And where to?" Easy questions: "Because here I don't feel good. Where to? I still don't know yet, just out of here." "Oh that's so childish. Running away from your responsibilities. And you don't even have a plan where to go to." "I don't need one. If I'm not happy here, I just need to go somewhere else to see if I'm happy there." Why is so fucking difficult to understand this? I understand why most people want to stay where they are, why can't people make an effort on understand my point of view? Why is it childish and irresponsible to be different? No, I don't know if I am ready to this. No, I don't know if I'll regret it. No, I don't know If I'll come back in less than a month. But I'll never know, unless I'll try to do it. A few 'posts ago' I wrote this:
"With a new life comes new responsibilities, new obstacles, new disappointments, new flaws... But do we have the right to new friends, new virtues, new dreams? I hope so, otherwise, why change to a new life? Why choose the unknown, why choose to leave our comfort zone and explore life as it is? The best knowledge we will ever receive it's the one we earn, by living life, by experimenting and experience everything that life gives to us, by exploring ourselves the true nature of living. What if we are too afraid to make a mistake? What if we feel we can't do it?"
We are always afraid of change. "Oh, the unknown..." When I said I wanted to go away, the instantaneous reaction was: "Why? And where to?" Easy questions: "Because here I don't feel good. Where to? I still don't know yet, just out of here." "Oh that's so childish. Running away from your responsibilities. And you don't even have a plan where to go to." "I don't need one. If I'm not happy here, I just need to go somewhere else to see if I'm happy there." Why is so fucking difficult to understand this? I understand why most people want to stay where they are, why can't people make an effort on understand my point of view? Why is it childish and irresponsible to be different? No, I don't know if I am ready to this. No, I don't know if I'll regret it. No, I don't know If I'll come back in less than a month. But I'll never know, unless I'll try to do it. A few 'posts ago' I wrote this:
"With a new life comes new responsibilities, new obstacles, new disappointments, new flaws... But do we have the right to new friends, new virtues, new dreams? I hope so, otherwise, why change to a new life? Why choose the unknown, why choose to leave our comfort zone and explore life as it is? The best knowledge we will ever receive it's the one we earn, by living life, by experimenting and experience everything that life gives to us, by exploring ourselves the true nature of living. What if we are too afraid to make a mistake? What if we feel we can't do it?"
If I leave, it will be hard. Leaving family, friends, places... But won't we all leave one day?
Saturday
Day 32, 17th of October - Oh, the past...
We all have one, right? And we can´t run away from it. All we can do, is to learn how to live with it. It's hard, I know, but what would be the point of living, if it was easy? Living is not for the ones who can, for those, it's just surviving. Living is for the ones who want, who are strong enough to recognize the mistakes they make, and be able to improve and do better next time. It's a fact, we can't run away from our past, so why should we try to hide it? Or act like it didn't happen?
We all regret one, or two, or thousands of actions we made in the past. It's normal. We are humans, and humans make mistakes. Some make more than the average, like me. My past is full of mistakes, and yet, I wouldn't change it. Maybe one or two things (or a thousand), no, just kidding. I guess I wouldn't. Even knowing I'm not a VERY happy person, I do have everything to make myself happy. It wouldn't be a change in the past that would make a difference. But don't fool yourselves: happiness doesn't come from changing the past, but may come from the way you make your future decisions.
My happiness mostly comes when I make a decision, not thinking about myself, but about someone else. When I do something for someone's happiness. Kant once said we only do good things to other people by pure self interest. Obviously I don't agree. I couldn't live with myself believing in that. That would be a fucked up world. Yes, I published here my 'Good Deed' when I fed the homeless people in Christmas. And yes, it felt good being acknowledge by that deed. But I also do other things for other people not because of acknowledge. A lot of times after doing something for someone else I think: "Shit, why did I do that? He/she doesn't deserve it. Why did you give that to them? You'll need it. You're so stupid". Sometimes I feel bad helping others because I too need help at that moment and I don't get it from others. It may sound really stupid, I know. And I don't feel like this when I know I'm giving something that I know the other person needs more than I do. I normally feel like that when I'm helping someone that it's in a better position than I am. When I needed that kind of help from someone and that person that I'm helping knew my situation and still didn't help. But that's the beauty of it. That's the true altruism. That's what makes me happy when I think of my past.
We worry tom much about what we did. Guess what, you can't change it. Apologize and move on. It's hard, you'll cry, you'll imagine "What if I have done something else than that?" But It's not worth it, because you can't change it. Still, you can change the consequences! You screwed things up with someone? Go talk to her/him. You didn't help someone in need? Tell her/him next time you'll help. Make a commitment. I said I didn't agree with Kant, but still, if the only way you'll help someone is because you know you'll feel good with it? Than do it. I can tell you, it really feels good sometimes. You want acknowledge? Start a blog like I did! HAHA. Just help when you see someone that needs. You don't know the day of tomorrow. Now you may feel invincible, but maybe tomorrow you'll be needing help. And by helping people, I'm not saying to give money to every beggar you see, or to welcome homeless at your house. Sometimes just being polite is enough to help someone who's having a rough day. Greet the bus driver. Let people pass the street even if it's not a crosswalk. Say "Have a nice day" when you buy your newspaper of coffee or cigarettes.
I'm always trying to make a difference. I like to know I'm different from the people I see everyday at uni, at work, at the bus station, at the shopping center... But I would love to know that, at this matter, they were more like me. That they would act like I do (sometimes) when they see someone in need of help. Oh, wouldn't we have a better world? Wouldn't' we have better days?
We all regret one, or two, or thousands of actions we made in the past. It's normal. We are humans, and humans make mistakes. Some make more than the average, like me. My past is full of mistakes, and yet, I wouldn't change it. Maybe one or two things (or a thousand), no, just kidding. I guess I wouldn't. Even knowing I'm not a VERY happy person, I do have everything to make myself happy. It wouldn't be a change in the past that would make a difference. But don't fool yourselves: happiness doesn't come from changing the past, but may come from the way you make your future decisions.
My happiness mostly comes when I make a decision, not thinking about myself, but about someone else. When I do something for someone's happiness. Kant once said we only do good things to other people by pure self interest. Obviously I don't agree. I couldn't live with myself believing in that. That would be a fucked up world. Yes, I published here my 'Good Deed' when I fed the homeless people in Christmas. And yes, it felt good being acknowledge by that deed. But I also do other things for other people not because of acknowledge. A lot of times after doing something for someone else I think: "Shit, why did I do that? He/she doesn't deserve it. Why did you give that to them? You'll need it. You're so stupid". Sometimes I feel bad helping others because I too need help at that moment and I don't get it from others. It may sound really stupid, I know. And I don't feel like this when I know I'm giving something that I know the other person needs more than I do. I normally feel like that when I'm helping someone that it's in a better position than I am. When I needed that kind of help from someone and that person that I'm helping knew my situation and still didn't help. But that's the beauty of it. That's the true altruism. That's what makes me happy when I think of my past.
We worry tom much about what we did. Guess what, you can't change it. Apologize and move on. It's hard, you'll cry, you'll imagine "What if I have done something else than that?" But It's not worth it, because you can't change it. Still, you can change the consequences! You screwed things up with someone? Go talk to her/him. You didn't help someone in need? Tell her/him next time you'll help. Make a commitment. I said I didn't agree with Kant, but still, if the only way you'll help someone is because you know you'll feel good with it? Than do it. I can tell you, it really feels good sometimes. You want acknowledge? Start a blog like I did! HAHA. Just help when you see someone that needs. You don't know the day of tomorrow. Now you may feel invincible, but maybe tomorrow you'll be needing help. And by helping people, I'm not saying to give money to every beggar you see, or to welcome homeless at your house. Sometimes just being polite is enough to help someone who's having a rough day. Greet the bus driver. Let people pass the street even if it's not a crosswalk. Say "Have a nice day" when you buy your newspaper of coffee or cigarettes.
I'm always trying to make a difference. I like to know I'm different from the people I see everyday at uni, at work, at the bus station, at the shopping center... But I would love to know that, at this matter, they were more like me. That they would act like I do (sometimes) when they see someone in need of help. Oh, wouldn't we have a better world? Wouldn't' we have better days?
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