There are times we live like kings: we want it, we get it. The responsibilities are nearly none, we are just there to party and live for ourselves, not living without consideration for the others, but putting our lusts in priority. We all had those times, we "need" those times. But then, we get 'the other side of the coin', when we struggle to get our shit done, when we have only responsibilities, when we pity for someone to listen to us, to be there for us, to guide us, when we have to use all of our strengths just not to drown.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.