Day 42, 3rd December - Flashback

I found out that we don't need to have a near death experience to have a flashback from our life. I had a nasty car accident last year, but I was unconscious when it happen so I didn't have that moment when you see your whole life backwards. A few months ago I discovered I had a tumor in my throat and until I found out it wasn't cancer, I didn't have any flashback whatsoever. Instead, I was always imagining hypothetical futures where I would have to tell people about my condition and so on... The first and only time so far I had a flashback was when I found out I had been living a lie for the last year and a half. I thought I was dating an amazing girl, with so much in common and so much to give. My choices were always thinking about a future together... I was living in a city I didn't like, taking a degree I didn't want to anymore, because she was giving me strength and making me believe this was the best for us both. And after all, after all this time we were together, after everything she said to me, including she wanted to build a family together, she was with someone else. I'm not going to write the whole story here, it's too personal, but, the point is, when I realized that happened, I had a flashback. I saw every moment of my life together with her, every choice I had made to keep us together, just running in front of my eyes. Every movie we saw and discussed together, every meal I cooked for her, every walk under the stars, every trip we did, every bottle of wine we drunk, every time we made love... My pain in my chest was so strong, so breathtaking, so overwhelming... I cried. I cried over the next days I found out. No one could comfort me. I felt disgusted, filthy, I could't look myself in the mirror. I was like that for a few days... It was hard. But then I realized I had hit rock bottom, so from now on I could only get better. I re-organized my life and this time only thinking about myself, for the first time in a while. And it feels good. I am moving on.


Day 41, 12th May - Lower your expectations

Everyone must have felt like this before: surrounded by people, and yet to feel alone. To need that special text, hug, set of words that won't come... You try not to look where you may find them but not exactly what you want/need. And why should you have the need to find them? Why can't they come to you? When you do what you think is right for the others, you normally do it because you feel it's what you should do, and not because you're expecting something in return. But damn, when you're there for everything and everyone, it would to be expected something... I know others have their own responsibilities and their own life, but sometimes 5 minutes make the difference. A phone call, a visit, a simple smile... To prevent feeling bad for others 'failing' on you, you just need to do one thing: lower your expectations.
It's true, I do expect someone to be there for me when I've been there for that person. Maybe one of my problems is not asking for them to be. But sometimes there's no need for that. Sometimes the other person should know you better. Another of my problems is that I expect the other person's behavior to be like mine if I was in that situation, if I knew someone needed me. And that has been just killing me. And the solution is to lower my expectations. But that will bring a lot of consequences. People that know me already (but not enough to know when I need them, apparently) will be expecting me to be there when they need support. They'll expect a pattern of behaviors that I won't have if I lower my expectations. Because, if I lower them, I'll care less about other people, and consequently I'll stop being there for them 100%. And I fear that by doing so, people will care even less about me and I'll end alone, like a vicious cycle. The best solution would be for everyone act like they want the others to act. Not asking for too much if what they give is too little. I can't be that altruistic to keep my pace as I am doing now. It's kind of tearing me apart.
I really want to step back from my reality now. I feel the urge to go away for a bit. Meet new people or surround myself with the ones that care as much as I need now (yes, I'm needy).


Day 40, 24th April - Unfulfilled

Here I am, in the company of a bottle of wine, a tablet of chocolate and a pack of cigarettes with the music on. Normally that's what I need in these moments... I am not gonna lie to you, I'd rather be in a good company, but then again, sometimes we need this company. We need some introspective time to think, measure our past options and deeds so we can evaluate which ones should we take in the near future. And that's precisely what I am not doing right now. And why is that? Because when we take a bottle of wine to ourselves it's probably better not to decide anything for our future. So what should I do? Mourn the past? Naah, that's too cliché... Text my ex? Well, I'm drinking wine, not vodka... Maybe I should just enjoy the wine, listening to the music (Eddie Vedder at the moment)... That should be the best idea, but I felt like i could write something down. I didn't think it too much or it wouldn't be as I wnted to: truthfully. I do have some drafts that I wrote and then decided not to publsh them, but that's maybe because they were too much to be revealed, never because they weren't truth.
What should we do when we feel unfulfilled? If we know what's missing, we should probably go for it. But what if it's the 'forbidden fruit' you are after? What if you know the timing isn't right but you feel like you need that anyway? Major problem: what if what you need doesn't depend only on you? Do you trust enough on someone to rely on them and just wait? Or you bang your head into the wall so many times you end up changing whatever you need/desire? (Is that even possible?) Today, two years ago, and for one more year (hopefully) I am that other someone. I have people relying on me so they can achieve their state of fulfillness. That's what moves me. That's what's been keeping me focused, and still, not making me fulfilled, thus, is making me loose focus... That's a fucked up situation. 

Day 39, 6th March - I'm a phoenix...

The doubt... It gets us crazy. "Should I, should I not... Do I, do I not..." When we try to focus on the situation so we can clear our mind of that doubt is when we get the most confused. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. That's what doubts are supposed to do: get us confused. And how should we deal with it? Recently I found someone that has a very simple philosophy of life: "Why should I care if it will end up to go the way it wants? Life, eventually, solves itself." Ironically, it was that person that grew a doubt in me.
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.

Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning: