Day 38, 20th December - Couldn't help it

So I was browsing the internet, and as I saw an image containing this text, I couldn't help it to let go a tear from my eyes:


Why do we rush? Why can't we enjoy what we have? Why can't we live the present? It's funny I came across this image... I don't feel ok at my current town. I don't feel happy here, and I want to move, since I got that opportunity to go away. And since I declined it, I started to feel like I took one of my worst decisions ever (except maybe that time I thought I was good to drive and had a car crash on the way home). And since then, I've been surviving on my daily life, without enjoying it properly. I surrounded myself with people that make my everyday a lot better (instead of just bearable) and help me to endure in this quest to end this fucking law degree and finally go away. And I can't wait for that moment. Just to go away... But Today I saw this image... And made me realize that maybe I'm better like this. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and think I shouldn't have rushed things. Maybe I should have lived the present when I was 'here and now'. I live in my own flat, with the expenses covered by my parents, I have a maid once a week, I have money from my parents (although I choose to work to help them out with my expenses), if I feel like I don't want to go to classes, I can always bail out, I have great friends to spend my time with, I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend that supports me... I have a great life. So why rush it? Why can't I wait for the future to come? 
I hope I'll eventually learn to live the present... To live my present. To live this present!

Day 37, 6th September - Above the water

There are times we live like kings: we want it, we get it. The responsibilities are nearly none, we are just there to party and live for ourselves, not living without consideration for the others, but putting our lusts in priority. We all had those times, we "need" those times. But then, we get 'the other side of the coin', when we struggle to get our shit done, when we have only responsibilities, when we pity for someone to listen to us, to be there for us, to guide us, when we have to use all of our strengths just not to drown.
This was a rough year... There were some setbacks that thrown me down to my knees and made me ask if I was taking the right decisions. If I had failed somewhere while 'building' my house so that the consequence was everything falling down on me like that. Even made me question my ability to take future decisions about my life, but if I was not the right person to decide, who would it be? The worst part about all of this situation was that after something bad happen to me, and I started to think what would be my next step so I would get things straight, I would begin to feel positive, to feel confident about what would be my next decision, and right after taking that decision, something bad happened again. The struggle I was having to stay above the water wasn't enough. What was taking me down was stronger than my will and power to set things right. And precisely now, I'm on those situations I'm feeling confident about what will I do next, and I'm 100% sure it won't go as I am expecting. And no, I'm not talking about getting a good surprise at the end of the day. This is starting to be like a vicious circle, a cycle that happens over and over again, but the consequences are not the same. Like in boxing match (it's funny I'm doing this comparison, maybe one day I'll explain to you why is it funny), the first times you go down, you can 'easily' get back on your feet. But if you get down again, and again, and again, you just know you're getting closer to get off the combat by K.O. And I'm beginning to feel like that. I really didn't want to hit rock bottom to end this cycle. Maybe I'll get shit done this time, who knows... It's true we learn with our mistakes and with the consequences that come with them, but damn, I've learned enough this year, I could really use a break now. I know I don't have one third of the problems and worries of 90% of the people that live in this planer: I was never hungry (by hungry I mean starving, because I'm always down for a snack), I always had a bed to sleep at night, I have fresh clothes in summer and warm in the winter, I have internet and television, I have someone paying for my studies... But that's not the point. It's not because the neighbor has less than us that we can't complain about anything. If we are always positive and we never complain, even if the situation is dark as coal, we start to repress feelings and emotions, and then we get to rupture point and we just push away everyone and everything from us, and that's when the real problems would start. But, as I was saying, that's not the point. I've had enough of my problems, of this particular problems that only appear to get me down, right after I start to feel better.
Let's see how thing go from now on.

Day 36, 30th May - Connection

We try to maintain a certain relation with people. We put some effort on it, so we feel proud of that relation and so we can count with that person when the time comes. Some relations require more attention than others. It's amazing how some people can maintain connected even without being conscious of what is needed for that relation. Well, in those cases, it's pure love, that's what is needed, nothing else... I came across a sister's friendship like that. I only know one of them, but the way she talks about her sister, the sparkles in her eyes when she says how much she loves her... I can't compare it to nothing that I've seen until now. Even I get those watery eyes when I hear her talking about their connection. Her sister doesn't have 100% perception of the reality that surrounds us, my friend says "she's pure with innocent eyes", which makes their friendship so amazing. Her sister can be angry or upset about something, but that changes the minute she sees her. They are truly connected, without an effort. It's true we have good friends that can understand us without being needed to say much, but that's not the same.
I call myself lucky regarding my friendships and connections. Not lucky because no matter what I do they're always there for me, no. Lucky because I had the opportunity to make a connection with them. After that, my friendship relations require a lot of effort, but that's why I give them so much value.
Through time, I've been blessed and cursed with some connections I made. Cursed in a good and a bad way. In a bad way because I took things by granted, and mistook acquainted people by friends, and trusted too much on who I shouldn't have trusted, or even made too much pressure on some connections trying to force them to be good friendships (by mistake, not forcing it in a creepy stalker way haha)... When I mean 'cursed in a good way' is dooming a connections in order to get another one, with the same person. Like some sort of upgrade. But I considered it cursed because, just like an upgrade of something, you loose some functions from the old version. Functions you were used to and knew you could rely on. You get virgin ground, without knowing where is it safe to step. If you are able to dance all over the floor, or if you will fall into an abyss as soon as you step forward. If is there any safe path you can take, or if you must be dodging holes the hole walk. If you can keep doing what you used to do before, or if the new connections obliges you to move on and adapt, to forget what 'used to be' and embrace the new way of looking to that person.
All in all, connections are always good. Even if they won't last, you can always learn something from them. And maybe the best connections are the ones that don't last, but you keep them in your mind for the rest of your days.


Day 35, 21st April - Chances and Opportunities

I already wrote about chances here, but at that time I had no idea what i was talking about. I was naive, I didn't know how big the World was/is. Now, because I was forced to grow up, I have a new perspective of things.
Chances come and chances go. We may have second chances, but they're not the same. We might have a chance to buy a new car, and we don't take it. Some time after we buy that car and we have two ways of thinking: I'm glad I just bought the car now; Why didn't I buy the car earlier? And what ever we think, we don't know what would have been the outcome of taking the first chance to buy it. We don't know if we would have had an accident if we took the first chance, or if we would have had the possibility to save/help someone with that car if we had took the first chance. We chance our destiny when we choose to take or not to take the chance we have. And the consequences of the way we didn't choose are only suppositions of what might have happen.
A few years ago I had a chance of going abroad. We had a cousin having dinner with us, a very successful man from USA. And he was telling me and my brother how did he end up in USA, how his life started there. And he began to say: "I was introduced to a person, that later became my mentor and he is the reason for a lot of what I achieved until today." I knew what those words meant. Later, after dinner, I spoke to my father and I said: "He was saying he can be my mentor." I knew it, 100% sure that he could be to us, what that man once represented to him. I never had an invitation like that. I started to think about the hole conversation we had during dinner, all the details he said, and I was astonished with the proposition that was made to me, indirectly. I had the chance to go to florida, with one of the best mentors I could think of. I had to take it, but unfortunately I didn't do it. I was young, I had 15 years, and although I had the perception of how big that was, I didn't put myself into it. I didn't realize that chances like that don't happen again. A few months later, he became ill, and ended up passing away. There are no second chances...
A few months ago I wrote here that I was going to fly away. Going after the quintessence of life. I had many projects, many ideas: Vietnam, Australia, Germany... After a while, an opportunity came up. Giving English lessons in a college, in Indonesia. That sounded just great! The timing was right, the place was right, everything sounded too good to be true. I started to make all the arrangements needed, I came on contact with the locals that were taking care of my application, (they were fantastic BTW), took my passport... I was feeling that I already had one foot there and one foot here. Last week, I got an e-mail from them saying due to superveniente complications with the application of a new law, it would be impossible for them to accept foreign people to the position I was going to take. I got devastated. Mainly because, as we say in portuguese, I had put the wagon in front of the ox. I was already thinking I had a foot there and another here. That was my mistake. Opportunities and chances are no more than that. There's a mere possibility of happening. And we should be prepared for both outcomes, happening or not happening.
This was not a second chance. As I said, there are no second chances. This was a new one, and I'm glad I took it this time. It doesn't matter if it didn't happen. There will be more chances and opportunities! I just know there will be...


Day 34, 2nd of February, Where are the answers?

    When we had questions when we were younger, we just asked mom or dad (normally mom, they know the best). While we get older, we start to find the answers ourselves, instead of asking other people, but there are always answers very hard to stumble across. For instance: what to do when we are close to a melt down? What should I make for dinner? Do I keep pushing myself to the limit or should I 'rest' and let things flow? What about timing? We might even know what to do, but when?
     I guess the most exquisite and amazing question I bumped into until today is: What is to be in love? What is to fall in love? What do we feel, how do we know we are in love? Should we know that we are in love? What do we do? How do I stop it? How do I make it to last 'for ever'?
    I guess you can't actually know if you're in love. You might know after that you were in love, when you become rational again. But, when you are on that rush of emotions and feelings, when you act without thinking, when there's always the bright side, that's when you're in love. But, as you have so many things on your head, you don't really realize you actually are in love. That's the beauty of it. The act of love, sometimes, isn't understandable, but is mostly a rational emotion: I love that person because she makes me feel good, I like to spend time with her. When you're in love, there's not a single fuck rational about it. You don't even know in what situation you are, how could you expect that being in love would be a rational state of mind? You just try to focus on breathing, (which sometimes can be a difficult task) and everything else will happen as it should, somehow, without being able to explain how it happens. That's why, to me, is much more explosive, intense and worth it to be in love rather than love someone. Although the feeling of love someone is good, stable, that might protect you from  everything else, it can become boring. Being in love? Well, there's nothing boring about it, you might even don't have enough endurance to deal with it.
    My advice, is to be an open minded person, never close a window without giving it a peek first, you don't know what kind of amazing and unique view you might be wasting. But, who am I to give an advice?