Day 39, 6th March - I'm a phoenix...

The doubt... It gets us crazy. "Should I, should I not... Do I, do I not..." When we try to focus on the situation so we can clear our mind of that doubt is when we get the most confused. And there's nothing we can do to prevent it. That's what doubts are supposed to do: get us confused. And how should we deal with it? Recently I found someone that has a very simple philosophy of life: "Why should I care if it will end up to go the way it wants? Life, eventually, solves itself." Ironically, it was that person that grew a doubt in me.
My timing has always been dreadful shitty, and this time wasn't an exception. Although I am a apologist of seizing the moment (carpe diem) sometimes we need to stop. To stop what we are doing and pretending to do, to stop hearing, listening and thinking, to stop all kind of automatic behaviors (except breathing) so we can understand what we are feeling. It took me too long to do that. And while I was lost in doubt, I made people sad around me. I made them confused and even may have mislead people to think in a way I should never make anyone think except if I have no doubts in me. But that was not the case. I have hurt one particular person very badly, and why? Because I didn't stop to listen to my doubt. I didn't pay attention to what was doing to me and how was I affecting everyone around me. I know that person will eventually understand. She was in doubt too. She believed she had no doubt about what she was feeling, but I'm positive she didn't listen to her doubt either, (right now she's asleep waiting for my explanation on why I asked her a name of a song, and she's pissed because I gave her no explanation and I said she should wait to see). Please note that this is not an apology text to her... I believe we need no apologies. We had a great time together, but as we didn't pay attention to our doubts, we mixed up feeling, emotions and so on (you know the drill). And I got us both in a messed up situation, which I expect to end soon, as I want her by my side, not as we thought we should be, but as an amazing girl she can be as a friend (yes, I know, I'm being an asshole here for 2 reasons: first because I'm 'friendzoning' her, and second because I promised to her I would never call her an amazing girl [she will understand] but I couldn't help to not write it down this way). I know She'll be one of those people that you can always count on, for whatever your troubles are. And I want her to be able to count on me too, the same way.

Here's the best song you can use as an alarm clock... You'll always wake up with a (kind of) smile in the morning:

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