Saturday

Day 42, 3rd December - Flashback

I found out that we don't need to have a near death experience to have a flashback from our life. I had a nasty car accident last year, but I was unconscious when it happen so I didn't have that moment when you see your whole life backwards. A few months ago I discovered I had a tumor in my throat and until I found out it wasn't cancer, I didn't have any flashback whatsoever. Instead, I was always imagining hypothetical futures where I would have to tell people about my condition and so on... The first and only time so far I had a flashback was when I found out I had been living a lie for the last year and a half. I thought I was dating an amazing girl, with so much in common and so much to give. My choices were always thinking about a future together... I was living in a city I didn't like, taking a degree I didn't want to anymore, because she was giving me strength and making me believe this was the best for us both. And after all, after all this time we were together, after everything she said to me, including she wanted to build a family together, she was with someone else. I'm not going to write the whole story here, it's too personal, but, the point is, when I realized that happened, I had a flashback. I saw every moment of my life together with her, every choice I had made to keep us together, just running in front of my eyes. Every movie we saw and discussed together, every meal I cooked for her, every walk under the stars, every trip we did, every bottle of wine we drunk, every time we made love... My pain in my chest was so strong, so breathtaking, so overwhelming... I cried. I cried over the next days I found out. No one could comfort me. I felt disgusted, filthy, I could't look myself in the mirror. I was like that for a few days... It was hard. But then I realized I had hit rock bottom, so from now on I could only get better. I re-organized my life and this time only thinking about myself, for the first time in a while. And it feels good. I am moving on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe6AzhRa3o

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