Day 22, 2 of January - What am I going to do?

I'm an asshole. I lost everything i care about because of stupid action, that gave me nothing but sadness, pain and took away the only person that really loved me. She lost all of her trust and realized how scum I was. Just like all the other boys. But wait, we did a lot of shit while we were separated, during the summer, but she must have thought: Lets give him another shot. Lets see what he's capable of doing.    - guess what? I screwed things up again! STILL, she gave me a second, no better, a third thought about my situation. We were going on the right direction now. We were still a little bit confused but, I could feel it... We were almost there. A few weeks maybe, a couple of months... I didn't care, we were on the right way, as long as we would get there, I didn't care about how long we would take. But now, all my hope is gone, my strength, my will of fighting... I'm crap! I don't deserve her. When I think about all I did, and worst, all that she did for me. What she heard, what she found out, what I told her, what she knew... Still, she loved me. And what did I give to her? Headache, shame of dating with me. Disgust, in both ways. What have I done to her? She lost 3 years of her life with me. She lost too much. I'm an idiot, a monster. I don't deserve anyone except someone worst than me, and that's impossible. If someone is reading: You may be thinking- Look at this idiot, laming about his life. He at least can afford to have a computer and internet, so probably has money to eat, education, shelter, a confy bed every night... But I tell you, I would change everything for her trust again. Even if it would be only just friends, and nothing could ever happen between me and her. I would only ask to make her think: Well, still, it was worth it. I'll never have someone like her again. What the fuck was I thinking? Now, it's ruined, and I ruined her life. Forgive me.


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